The judges were very kind to me on this one. The trend that I’ve really picked up on so far in all of these feedback sessions is that I seem to excel at visual description in my scripts, which really makes me happy. It’s a FILM SCRIPT, so thank goodness I’m able to describe visuals well enough!
Next thing to work on is definitely my loglines! It’s quite stupid, on reflection, to put such a heavy spoiler in my logline. I find it really difficult to play that gap between putting too much information versus not enough information. Loglines can’t be too vague or generic, but they also really don’t want to spoil your entire film, right? Difficult to toe that line.
Also, my ending was clearly a bit of a flop. I thought that the double-down on the daydream would be effective, but it definitely wasn’t. Upon reflection, I totally agree with the judges on that! I phoned the finale in, and it could use some rework!
Now for the judges feedback!
WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY
Judge {2103}
This is a fun story, that moves briskly, thanks to the writer's skill at creating powerful, clear visual images. The complete twist from the setup, in the fourth paragraph, is a terrific kickoff to a very well-written series of action sequences. The two reveals are a lot of fun. Changing the logline -- basically a spoiler -- to avoid explaining what's to come will increase the shock value and humor of the double ending. "Take a wok!" is a clever line that adds to the hyped-up tone of the action sequence. It's also nice to see a fantasy sequence where the woman takes charge, wowing the man, not the other way around.
Judge {1943}
'Imaginary Numbers' was a delightful, endearing screenplay. I loved the fantasy of the fight, especially the craziness of Jasmine fighting off the Ninjas with rolling pins. Your action scenes were vivid and strongly paced - I would love to see them on screen. I particularly loved the moment when Larry lunged into the fight and hit the minion over the head with a pan! The ending of the script was equally fun. This was a very cute script, with engaging characters, a fun premise, and strong pacing. Great work!
Judge {2092}
The energy and action in the fight scene make for an engaging story. Jasmine's personality comes through in the sequence, giving the audience a great character to follow.
WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK
Judge {2103}
This is a fun screenplay. As stated, the logline is a spoiler -- consider changing it to avoid revealing the surprise. In order to heighten the comedic contrast between a ninja battle and a home ec classroom homeroom, and Jasmine's fighting prowess, add some visuals of how the class is reacting to the battle on page 1. 'There will be no "hanging on!"' is a confusing line.
Judge {1943}
I wonder if you could just make it a little clearer whether the fight scene was purely Jasmine's fantasy, or whether it was also Larry's. I found myself wondering about this after the end of the script, as Larry pulled out the cake for Jasmine. I wasn't sure whether this was also Jasmine's fantasy, or if it was Larry's. This felt a little too ambiguous to me, and I couldn't quite decide what your intentions were. I didn't feel that you needed a special effect to show that it was a dream scene, but maybe the characters' behavior could make it a little more clear as the dreams started?
Judge {2092}
The energy and pacing are lost in the ending of the story. The reveal that everything is a daydream takes away from the engaging action/drama with the ninjas, losing the engagement with the audience. The latter daydream from Larry also feels repetitive, and is a jarring change in perspective. Consider sticking with the outlandish ninja story, leaving it up to the audience to decide what is real and what isn't. This will lead to an ending with more impact.