In my previous blog, I posted a short film that I wrote for the 2020 NYC Midnight Short Screenplay Challenge. Spoiler alert — I didn’t win. But that really doesn’t matter in a competition like this. It’s a writing exercise with stakes, which is something that really motivates me to not only try, but really stretch myself in genres and settings that I don’t often explore.
If you haven’t read the screenplay yet, I highly suggest doing that before reading the judges' feedback. I was really positively impressed by the feedback given from the festival, and I’ll let it stand on its own as proof that all screenwriters can really benefit from entering this competition. It’s an excellent chance for growth. I don’t agree with all their suggestions, but just hearing them helps me understand places where I need to be a little clearer with my writing.
Judges’ Feedback
''Ferndale Manor'' by Katy Merry Hannah
WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY
{2075} The beginning is able to draw the audience in by bringing them straight into the action and then introducing them to the Valet and the Chambermaid in the middle of it all. Then the intrigue about how these characters got themselves into this situation and what is going to happen to them next is enough to keep the audience engaged.
The dialogue also moves the story along well and enables the audience to understand the role of each character in the world through how they present themselves {2065} Ferndale Manor seems to be an interesting place full of activity, mystery, and ‘distinguished’ partygoers and staff. The writer has instilled this horror-based genre screenplay with suspense and intrigue, insinuating that The Master has a dark side. Although there are multiple characters involved, the Valet and the Chambermaid seem to be the most developed and authentic. They appear to have distinct and transparent personalities that leverage their dialogue and action genuinely. The writer understands the fundamental structure and format for screenwriting for shorts.
{2103} "Ferndale Manor" surprises the reader from the jump, seeming to present a Gothic costume drama which turns out to be set in a scifi world. Well-chosen details, stylized dialogue and formalized customs create intensity, and give us the feel of the stately manor and "otherness" of the setting. The writer is skilled at conveying the visual succinctly and specifically. The atmosphere of horror, such as the scenes in the greenhouse and the forest, pervades throughout, alternating effectively with lighter moments such as the carefree sexual encounter between the Chambermaid and the Valet.
WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK
{2075} There are a few things that you may want to look into:
You should always include the time of day in the scene heading, even if no time has really passed. As this allows the reader to be able to follow along with the timeline.
Also, on page 8 'they are lead' should be 'they are led'.
It would also have been interesting if we could have found out what exactly the Master has on The Valet in order for him to betray his love. Some knowledge would enable the audience to understand his motivations better.
{2065} The writer showcases a concise delivery for the action passages; however, a further tightening of these passages will help leverage the delivery and increase the pace when and where needed. Hence, when a new scene is announced with a scene title, the action passage immediately following should contain clear and concise detail, the bare bones of what lies ahead.
Also, a question mark hangs over the Valet. Specifically, his involvement in the Chambermaid’s demise is confusing, especially when they were going to escape together. Does the Valet have a change of heart when reminded of his duties to save his neck, or is he part of The Master’s ways and tricked the Chambermaid from the get-go? Since the character prompt for this horror is a valet, clarifying his involvement will help link the plot elements/twists and showcase the Valet in a more convincing and clear-cut manner.
{2103} This script has some truly startling moments, such as the one in the greenhouse. However, the most climactic plot points are not clear. Are the tiny arms growing liked plants or buried after being murdered? Why isn't the Valet aware of what goes on in the house he serves? What is the significance of the contract the Young Man signs? Is he now a concubine to the Master? We should at least know what he thinks he's signing -- what he gets out of it besides a gold pen. Likewise, the Valet comes back from some harrowing encounter in the woods -- is it perhaps a ritual sacrifice? But it would seem to elevate his station since the nobles are lizard-y. What has the Master gotten from the Valet at that point? Clarify these moments and the script will shine.
Moving on…
By the way, the 2021 NYC Screenplay festival will have already happened by the time this is posted! Here’s the parameters for this current challenge.
