You know, I am really starting to love writing for the NYC Midnight Challenges. The feedback is the real gold here, it’s always super thoughtful and interesting, and it gives me things to think about and work on for my future projects.
One big thing that the judges called out for this story as being well done was the scene-setting, and holy crap am I proud of that! I really did the work on this one. I used google maps to remind myself of the street view in front of the opera, I researched the history of the building and its surrounds, AND I even found a virtual tour where I could move around the opera house, made also by Google, using their streetview engine, it seems.
I actually had to back off and remove some of the description that I added, which I probably could have done a little more of, looking at their comments on what could use work, but I’m really proud of what I did. I definitely had moments writing this where my brain felt too full trying to do justice to the geography and spectacle of such a fantastic building, but I’m so glad that I persevered.
WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR SCREENPLAY
Judge {1943}
The worldbuilding in this short screenplay was excellent. I loved the vividness of the setting in the Opera House. You created strong tension with László's repeat of "never" as he told Tamas all the things that he must "never" do. Of course, we then know that Tamas will break these rules, which created a wonderful sense of anticipation! The opera scene was powerful and haunting.
I loved the balance of horror and beauty as Tamas watched the incredible scene yet became frozen in place. The revelation that the company continued to try to complete the opera every night was disturbing and unsettling. This was a very strong story - very well done!
Judge {1995}
Your setting is fantastic! The care for details in describing the interior of the Opera house is stunning. You really bring the building to life. It made me want to go there! And the section when Tamas steps into the Opera House auditorium--the descriptions, pacing, and action come alive with so much poetry. The way you describe the stage, lights, actors, etc is just luscious.
Moments I love are: a ghostly Ensemble forms from nowhere, spreading out from center stage like blood flowing from a wound; A full, lavish set appears in ghostly haze, as if viewed through a veil. Pinpricks of ghostly light appear in the orchestra pit -- candles on music stands lighting ghostly sheet music; Tamás shivers as a wave of cold freezes him in place. His heavy breath explodes in a gout of fog. Frost forms on his skin, crystals cling to his eyelashes and hair. And the when the fire begins you use the grotesque to really bring the horror of the fire alive so beautifully.
Well done!
Judge {2060}
The atmosphere of the empty opera house at night is brilliant and haunting! I was really drawn in by the unlit chandeliers and the sound of music floating echoing through the halls. There's also some strong and imaginative visual imagery in your story, with the ghosts singing as they catch on fire.
WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK
Judge {1943}
I would always be cautious about a character speaking to himself. This feels a little contrived, as you use it to show that Tamas must have been in the Opera House before as a singer, and again with "Libiamo... I was in this opera...". Could you find another way to show this, without the character talking out loud to give your exposition? I think if Tamas just said the name of the opera it would be enough, as ti would show that he had knowledge of music, without spelling out that he had performed in it. Could he maybe start humming along, with an impressive talent, so we know he must have been a singer himself? This would show us, instead of telling us.
(NOTE: shit, this is a good idea. And one that I think I considered at one point, and might have even had in a draft. I ended up putting the line in of him speaking to himself b/c I worried it wouldn’t be absolutely clear that Tamas was actually an opera singer himself, and that’s one of the reasons he was lured into the theatre. But yeah, it’s decidedly clunky, and I felt that way at the time. I’m glad the judge called this one out.)
I was curious about the ending. Were we supposed to know for sure that Tamas was going to die, as he couldn't get out through the door? I wonder if you could make this a little more clear.
I wasn't sure about the fact that Tamas's stomach grumbled. This felt rather odd, and didn't seem necessary to the plot.
Judge {1995}
Two things:
One, is you mention that TAMÁS was a singer before, and is now "back again" as a security guard. Is this something disappointing and difficult for him? I would imagine it is. Did he fail at singing? I suggest fleshing this out a bit more--let us know why he isn't singing anymore, and how it feels to return as a security guard. Was he injured in a way that caused harm to his voice? And being a security guard at least allows him to be in a place he loves? Whatever the story is with Tamas, It will go a long way in fleshing out his character and the overall story.
(NOTE: YES. I agree with this criticism so much, but I was really constrained by the length limit of 5 pages, and I made the choice to go with a more atmospheric-driven story instead of a character-driven story with the space that I had.)
And along with that, you say "Back again" but when LÁSZLÓ shows him around, it feels like TAMÁS has never seen the interior before. I would tidy that up a bit if he has been there and show that he is familiar with parts of the interior, but there are also rooms he has never been privy to.
(NOTE: YES. Great note. SHIT!)
And lastly, I wasn't 100% clear on what is happening in the ending. What are the rules on this ghostly situation? If you stay inside the auditorium after hours you are unable to leave? Hypnotized physically and mentally, therefore stuck? And what happen if you do get stuck? Do you burn as the former cast burned? It just isn't completely clear in that last scene with LÁSZLÓ.
And how many times has it happened since he mentions he will never be able to retire? Small but important details.
Judge {2060}
Choose carefully what details you choose to focus on in your scene descriptions. Being specific is great, but giving us details about the color of the wall tiles, or the specifics of the wooden floors and the placement of the rug in the room, doesn't bring a lot of substance to your story. Details like Tamás' creased, sweaty shirt tell us a lot about the character, and the setting, the details about lighting are great. The colour of the tiles or the size of the rug is something that will change based on filming location or the art department, and really has no impact on the story. You could have given us more insight into your protagonist rather than the intricate descriptions of location you went for.
THOUGHTS
Overall, I really do agree with most of what the judges said in their criticisms, though i will forgive myself a bit because of the page limit constraints. Five pages is just so little time to do what I wanted with this piece. I really wanted it to be as atmospheric as possible, which ended up being a bit to the detriment of the character development and the ending.
I plan to eventually go back into this one and flesh out the character a little bit more. Maybe have a line of dialogue between Tamas and Laszlo where Tamas excitedly tells Laszlo that he’s been here a couple of times as a student to see performances. He’s even perhaps performed there once himself as part of a student production! Of course, Laszlo does not give a shit. He’ll be dismissive of Tamas, and it will highlight Tamas’s pain at the loss of his potential opera career.
I don’t mind what “happened” to Tamas being somewhat a mystery, because that aspect of the story isn’t one that I think matters all that much. What matters is that he had this thing that he loved, and he lost it. Now he’s living in the “after,” trying to hold on to some aspect of it by taking this job.
I’m also considering fleshing out the ending a little bit more to make it clearer that, yes. Tamas dies at the end. He is swallowed by the ghosts of the opera.
The one piece of advice I won’t be following as much is the advice from Judge 2060. I might agree with them when it comes to the scene description if I was creating an opera house wholesale, but I’m setting this story in a very famous building, and i think it’s important to create the atmosphere for the reader/audience. The place is visually stunning and I think that aspect of the story is absolutely important. Having said that, more character description for how Tamas looks in comparison to the grandeur and splendor around him could absolutely help with the scene setting even more!